11.24.14

We had our first Haiti meeting yesterday. I cried. It was hard getting my passport... I thought that getting it would make it easier. I thought that once I made it "real" and committed myself I would be okay. But hearing the details and having real actual flight plans was what really made it scary. 

   

We are flying away from Denver at 1:30 AM. 

I am afraid of being tired.

We are sleeping at a mission house. 

I am afraid of people seeing me at my worst. 

Cold shower, a lack of food whenever I decide I want to eat.

It's so petty, and so terrifying.

I am leaving my kids in the care of someone else, after doing it all for 8 years.

I will miss them. 

But mostly I am afraid of the despair I will feel while I am there. 

I don't want to see the physical needs or the spiritual needs. The fatherless children, the motherless. I will want to take their pain as my own, but can't. Only Jesus can fix that.

But what if I am left questioning his goodness?

Six days could never be enough time to count for the change I could make in someone else's life. But we are 3 1/2 months away from leaving, and it's already changing mine.