This Is Haiti

   I have almost all the money I need to pay for Haiti. People that I never expected to give have given. My grandparents sent me $25.00, by far the most meaningful money anyone has ever sent. This is almost too easy. The struggle for me has not been about money. I am so used to doing without things that I am more comfortable giving up the convenience of buying whatever I want. But, I do occasionally find myself stifling panic attacks.   I am running a to-do list through my head, as though I need to be concerned with all of these things immediately.  Pack my suitcase now.  Buy enough food for my family now.  Cook easy freezer dinners for Peter now.  Get my shots to avoid illness.  Clean the house and keep it that way.     Controlling everything is a sin I struggle with, and I know Haiti, for me, is about surrendering to The King. Trusting that it will happen stress free and easily. I could never be ...

I got my passport in the mail this week! Excited! And yesterday I paid my deposit. There is money tied up in this, and money is the one thing I really hate using. Peter works hard to make the paycheck, and sometimes it seems like he gives far too generously to me. Each day Haiti is a fleeting thought to me. I can push it to the back of my mind because "it is still  3 1/2 months away" but I do hope that the time will not sneak up on me. I hope I am prepared in every way possible. On the other hand, God is whispering promises to me. Promises of blessings and adventures to come because of our sacrifices; both financially and in my time away.  This trip means so much to our family.   I can hardly wait for this picture to be completed.  Savior, Sovereign, Artist is working to make me better than I am.  

We had our first Haiti meeting yesterday. I cried. It was hard getting my passport... I thought that getting it would make it easier. I thought that once I made it "real" and committed myself I would be okay. But hearing the details and having real actual flight plans was what really made it scary.      We are flying away from Denver at 1:30 AM.  I am afraid of being tired. We are sleeping at a mission house.  I am afraid of people seeing me at my worst.  Cold shower, a lack of food whenever I decide I want to eat. It's so petty, and so terrifying. I am leaving my kids in the care of someone else, after doing it all for 8 years. I will miss them.   But mostly I am afraid of the despair I will feel while I am there.  I don't want to see the physical needs or the spiritual needs. The fatherless children, the motherless. I will want to take their pain as my own, but can't. Only Jesus can fix that. Bu...

I really wanted to take a group to Haiti this year. It didn't work out, so I had to cancel the trip. This isn't the first time this happened... it made me sad this time, and it made me sad last time too. There just doesn't seem to be a passion, or a drive to go on missions anymore. Often times it seems like people are eager to spend a lot of money on a sexy resort vacation every year, but Haiti, and missions, is less than sexy and not an appealing way to spend one's hard earned dollars. I get one question more than any others when I am trying to recruit people. Begging them, is more like it. "What will we be doing?" You know what I was doing when I took this photo on mission in Haiti? I was watching the see-through-blue waves lap on the shore of this exquisite beach, drinking a margarita. I certainly did other more... productive... stuff. I just can't seem to remember what. It is this experience, this moment of quiet reflection,  tha...